“I Still Love You” by Barnabas Deimos

I still love you….I can’t help it. It’s in my nature to still want you…this life we had together.

And it’s all coming to an end for you. It’s all coming to a wonderfully,

anticlimactic ending that only you…Only you get to partake of. The ending of this life.

For everyone else, it will be a wonderful beginning.

How rigid is that bed? How wretched do those tubes and needles feel

interlaced into your leathery flesh? How horrible the sounds of the beeping and pumping machines that provide a rhythmic orchestra to the end of your earthly existence?

And your family and friends? They care nothing for you at this point. All your life you used them, you abused them, you terrified them in the most heinous ways.  You hid behind closed doors to do wretched things and performed feats of the grotesque in the eyes of the public. But you didn’t care. And here you are. Alone. Wretchedly alone as your death rattle starts to squeeze its way out of your throat.

How does it feel to know..you meet this all alone?

Except Me.

I’ve always been there. I had waited for you to notice me. I had loved you. And all I had wanted from you was to notice me and everything I had done for you. All I had wanted from you was to love me. And it elated me when you finally did.

Oh the times we had together. Thieving, Lusting, and Destroying. Together in this earthly Eden of carnality which I had laid before you because you wanted it so.

Together you and I. You murdered to eat, you killed to get high, you mutilated to satisfy your desires, and you slaughtered for fun. And I…I watched with a smile. Oh how I loved you then.

And then came the day you overdosed. The doctors took you in and revived

you only for a horrific discovery. In their tests they discovered your cells had been metastasizing within your organs. With days left to live. How coincidental you should be rushed here to be saved, only to discover you can’t be.

You called your mother, and you called your father. Your sisters and brothers. Your friends from childhood. But never the junkies and monsters you had befriended along your merry path of self destruction.

It was then I knew you would try to abandon me. And you indeed tried.

You said to them all in your pitiful whimpering voice “I’m scared.”

But your pitiful cowardice wasn’t what disgusted or hurt me. What hurt me.

It was the fact you blamed me for your misdeeds! You begged for their forgiveness of MY part. It was not my hand that did those things. It was yours.

YOURS ALONE. I merely presented the situations for you because that’s what your heart wanted.

I watched you sit in your hospital bed as you ignored me. Ignored me!

ME who had given you everything you had ever wanted in you miserable existence. You spurned me as if I were something to be cast aside. Like the toy of an errant child attempting to grow up…

No…No. Not grow up. Just looking for someone else to take care of you because you felt I was to blame.

But no one else is going to take care of you. No one else is going to save you. You believed you could reject me. That you could renounce me….

But no one wants you now. It’s too late my dearest companion. We’ve been together far too long and its far too little and too late to go back on the years we enjoyed.

You don’t get to say when this relationship of ours ends. I do.

So go ahead, beg and plead. Scream to the sky with your last breaths… It will not avail you.

Cry for Him to open the door to you. Cry for him to open his arms for you.

He’ll stay closed while I…I am waiting patiently for you. My door is always open…my arms are always ready for you…  And we have an eternity of enjoyment and excitement to experience together. Oh such dark miracles and tortuous ecstasies await us.

I will squeeze every last drop of sinful rapture and agonizing excitement out of you…

Whether you want to or not…

Because I love you…

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